Chapter 7

The phone bleeped and bleeped. I woke, startled and snatched at the receiver. 'Hello,' I mumbled. Lizzie stirred fitfully and groaned.

A snotty woman's voice whined, 'May I speak to Professor Richard Turner, please?'

'Dick, who the hell is that woman?' demanded Lizzie, sitting bolt upright. She snapped on the bedside light and grabbed at the clock. 'Oh, for Christ's sake!' she snarled, brandishing the clock, 'It's two bloody o'clock in the morning!'.

'Professor Turner, please,' repeated the woman.

'Speaking,' I mumbled. I smiled placatingly at Lizzie.

She jabbed the clock in my face. 'Who is that bimbo, Dick? Doesn't she know it's two o'clock!' She flung off the covers and jumped out of bed. 'I'm going down and getting a drink, damnit! You'd better finish that fucking call with that fucking woman before I'm back, Dick!'

I couldn't help admiring her shapely backside as she jerked her robe belt tightly around her waist. 'Look, Lizzie love, it's work,' I called.

'Piss off, Dick! Fuck work! Fuck your women! Fuck you!' She stormed out of the bedroom. I could hear her stamping down the stairs. I sighed sadly. She'd been very tense lately, maybe early menopause.

'I have Mr Arthur Summers of the Cabinet Office on the line for you, Professor,' the woman said officiously. 'Would you please hold for a moment.'

Arthur, that bloody little shit. What the hell did he want and at this time of night? 'Dick, hello. It's Arthur,' he said quickly. Good thing he did. I'd have hung up if he'd kept me waiting more than a couple of seconds. Plenty of people had hung up on me after the Cabinet Office debacle. A non-person overnight. I might as well have died.

'Arthur who?' I asked querulously. 'That name has a faintly familiar ring. Didn't I once know some PUS of that name? Don't you know it's 2AM, dear boy?'

'Arthur Summers of the Cabinet Office, Dick,' he replied evenly. His Welsh accent came across strongly on the telephone. Cardiff, I guessed. 'I'm sorry to wake you up, but this is important, Dick.'

'Oh, that Arthur,' I replied lightly. 'Yes, well, Arthur, how absolutely delightful to hear from you after such a long time, old boy. Now how long has it been? Years? Centuries? Millennia? And it's important, too, is it, boy-o?'

'It's been somewhat over a year, Dick,' replied Arthur blandly. 'Yes, and it really is important,' he added with rather more heat than one would expect from a Civil Servant.

'Well, goodness me,' I said acid-heartily. 'A whole year now, maybe two. Well, just fancy that. Almost a politician's whole lifetime, wouldn't you say? Maybe a generation of politicians? And how is everyone doing down there at the Cabinet Office?' I asked. 'The Minister? Sir Anthony? Still slithering purposefully up and down the twisted corridors of power? Lackeys still licking?'

Arthur was astoundingly resilient to gibes. 'Actually, Dick,' he said calmly, 'They'd like you to come down to the Offices tomorrow.'

'The return of Attila the Hun?' I cried in amazement. 'The son of Frankenstein's monster? As soon as tomorrow? I'll really have to think about that, yes I will.'

'They want you to co-chair an enhanced environmental committee for the Cabinet,' he continued unfazed. 'It's an executive committee now,' he said, 'Just three people on it.' There wasn't the slightest evidence of embarrassment on Arthur's part. Incredible balls really. This must have been the brand of insensitivity that had once fuelled the mighty British Empire for the benefit of the rich and powerful.

'Well, you know, I'd just love to, Arthur,' I said brightly, 'But I'm desperately afraid that I'm just totally booked up at the moment, especially tomorrow.' I'd hardly had any consultancy work for a year. I'd become a hot potato overnight. A man with no friends, no supplementary income.

'We'd be extremely grateful if you could make it, Dick,' Arthur insisted smoothly.

'Uh, and who exactly is that who would be so extremely grateful, Arthur?' I asked caustically.

'Well, Sir Anthony and the Minister, actually, Dick,' he replied stiffly. His cool was finally beginning to deteriorate ever so slightly.

'And just how grateful would they be, Arthur?' I needled.

'They would be most extremely grateful, Dick. Your contribution will be fully acknowledged at the earliest possible opportunity,' he said wearily.

'Oh, how extremely interesting,' I said with a flat fall. A weighty silence followed.

'Dick, the new Minister now recognises that Sir Anthony might possibly have made a few mistakes with the previous report,' continued Arthur doggedly.

I laughed uproariously into the phone. 'You might bloody well possibly say that, Arthur,' I crowed. 'It's a very interesting way to put it, too!'

'You may rest assured, Dick, that the powers-that-be are now totally aware of what has happened,' said Arthur soothingly. 'Your good name has been completely restored. You are most certainly, totally and utterly vindicated. That's why they would like you to co-chair the committee with Sir Anthony.'

'Oh, yes,' I replied sceptically, 'So does that mean I can have my papers and my pass back from the Security people?'

'Oh, of course, Dick,' replied Arthur, sensing victory, 'I can have them delivered to you any time you'd like.'

'I want to be Head Government Scientist, Arthur,' I demanded spitefully.

There was a brief pause. 'But, Dick,' protested Arthur, 'Sir Anthony is HGS.'

'So kick his flabby fat arse out,' I suggested helpfully.

'I'm afraid we really cannot do that, Dick,' said Arthur flatly.

'Knows where all the bodies are, does he, hey?'

'What about Deputy Head?' offered Arthur, ignoring the question.

'Joint Head,' I countered.

This really seemed to offend Arthur's sensibilities, for some reason. 'There can only be one Head, Dick,' he said sternly. 'I'm afraid not.'

'Didn't you ever see "The Incredible Two Headed Monster"?' I asked. This had been an incredibly B film of my distant and unmourned student-hood. No doubt Arthur had been too busy swotting to have bothered with such gems.

'Deputy is as high as I can go for now, Dick,' Arthur insisted firmly. 'Treasury has authorised a consultancy fee for you, Dick. It is really quite generous, plus expenses and perks, naturally.'

I had been missing their chicken mayonnaise for months, not to mention the prestige, and money, now, too. But I decided to make the rotten little sod squirm a bit more. 'You do make it sound awfully interesting, Arthur, but I'm not really sure I can spare the time,' I murmured vaguely. 'Look, old bean, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll think about it, talk to the wife about it in the morning. You know, chew it over a bit. Then I'll give you a call in a few days and let you know what we've decided.'

'Dick, please,' Arthur insisted urgently. 'This is important. Really very important. It's beginning to look like you might have been right about the environment business. We need you here tomorrow.'

'All I said was that we should keep our eyes and options open,' I reminded. 'That's all.'

'Well, we recognise now that we could be in big trouble, Dick,' said Arthur. 'Very big trouble. It's quite possible that things might be deteriorating badly; sooner than anyone thought. We need you here to help us, now. The Government is going to act on some of your original recommendations, really look into the problems. Work out some serious scenarios. We need you to coordinate the activity.'

I could tell that he wasn't just oiling me up. He was flat scared. 'Tell me something, Arthur,' I said softly.

'Yes, Dick,' he replied warily.

'Have you got kids?' I asked.

'Yes, Dick, I've got two little children,' said Arthur sadly. 'Little more than babies.' He knew what I was getting at. 'Please, Dick, help us.'

'All right, Arthur,' I replied, 'I've got two kids, too. So what time's the meeting?'

* * *

'One of your whores, Dick?' snarled Lizzie.

I was shocked. 'What whores, Lizzie? It was the Cabinet Office.'

Her eyebrow made it half-way to her hairline. 'At 2AM? More likely one of your popsies is knocked up.'

'They're going to double my salary. They need me back. Come on, baby, it's important.'

She ignored that. 'Are you going, Dick?' she demanded.

'Of course, it's important. Really important. They making me Deputy SO.'

Again, she ignored that. 'Oh yes? When are you going?' she demanded.

I was getting a bit pissed off with this. 'I'm going tomorrow, as early as possible.'

Her face was now almost unrecognisable. 'Who's more important, Dick Turner? The Cabinet bloody Office or me?' She slapped my face.

I flinched but didn't raise a hand to protect myself; boys don't hit girls. 'You are, Lizzie, you are.'

She slapped me again. 'Then don't go!' she hissed.

This time I moved sideways to minimise the force of the blow. 'I've got to, Lizzie.'

She moved closer and this time I deflected her hand before it hit me. 'If you do, then don't bother to come back, Mr bloody Professor.'

I let go of her hand. 'Of course I'll be back, love.'

She kicked my ankle.' Well, I won't.' She tried to kick me in the crotch but I fended off the blow with my knee. 'I've thrown away my career for you and wasted the best years of my life for you'

'What do you mean?' She kicked again but missed.

'I'll find someone else, Dick. Someone who's nice to me and your children, someone who cares about me more than anything else.' I was so startled that I couldn't defend myself. This slap landed home hard across my nose. I felt it give and warm blood trickled down into my mouth, filling it with a salty, metallic taste. Then she kneed me good and proper in the crotch. I didn't see her when I left and it was too early to wake the children to say goodbye.

* * *

Yes, Lizzie, that's exactly what happened. You totally over-reacted, love. I know and I'm still very deeply ashamed; sorry to you and the children. I thought we put all that behind us years and years ago. It was a terrible mistake. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Can't we just forget it? But look, anyway, you took it well enough after you woke up properly, packed my bag early that morning and gave me a great send-off, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.